I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
