It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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