so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
