I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
