I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
