Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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