There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
