i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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