Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
