You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize