At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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