Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Randomize
