yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
