Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
