Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
