He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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