got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
