why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
