My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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