Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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