just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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