Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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