The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
