My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize