i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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