I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
