Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
