I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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