True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
