OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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