I looked at my own cervix.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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