WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
