i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
3 2 1 whiskey
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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