Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
