I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
