Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
