Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Damn victory sex feels great
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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