I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
