Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
