FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
