I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
