My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize