that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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