I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
