Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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