Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Sponge bath it is.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
