my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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