awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
