Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
