My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Mom said you looked used
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just had sex on a roof
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
