tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
