Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
