I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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