I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
