Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
