Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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