i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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