Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
