Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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